Surprises and Frustrations

       Dennis Miller is coming to visit Brent. It is very interesting to observe how Brent changes his attitude completely when he hears this news. Runyon changes his diction to emphasize on Brent’s enthusiasm and emotion. This is demonstrated when Brent thinks, “Jesus, I can’t think of anything to say. I’m such an idiot” (p. 255). The reader can visualize the frustration Brent is going through at that moment. The use of the word idiot also grabs the reader’s attention and warns him that something is happening in Brent’s mind. It is important to highlight that Brent’s parents are doing a very good job in distracting Brent from his main problem. Although he is still getting frustrated with most of the activities he does, Brent is not thinking as much on why he got burned and the horrible scars he has around his body. Even though he has not completely forgotten about the incident, the big surprises his parents gave him have shifted his attention. Brent demonstrates this when he states, “Wow, that’s completely right. I never thought of that” (p. 263). Brent has gone, little by little, back to the life with his friends and outdoor activities. The diction used in the quote above also makes the reader see Brent’s surprise as this is the first doctor that he feels says something useful.

       When Brent goes into Dominion Hospital, he begins to feel that it is not the place for him. The word choice in this section of the book is also key in demonstrating Brent’s discontent and fury in the hospital. For example, when Brent thinks: “I can’t believe she asked me that. Do I look like a druggie? I thought it would be obvious” (p. 280). The fact that all the interns think he is a drug addict and treat him as one disturbs him. The first sentence’s diction is very clear in emphasizing his surprise and indignation at such a comment. I believe that Brent is beginning to regain the feeling that there is something definitely wrong with him and that he cannot live a normal life. He is at the point where he can believe in himself and, with the support of others, achieve his full mental recuperation or go back to feeling he is different from everybody else. Other situations shock Brent, such as the one where one of his best friends is going to move out just because his parents are too afraid that he might do something like Brent did. This kind of astonishments make him feel like he is responsible for the bad things that happen and will enter a profound depression. Runyon is able to demonstrate the struggle Brent is going through by his effective and detailed use of diction in situations where comprehension is key to understand the main character’s reasoning. Which path will Brent take?      

Complex Descriptions

Jobst Garments: (n) Trademark for a type of pressure wrap applied to control hypertrophic scar formation or lymphedema. p. 212

Corduroy: (n) A durable cut-pile fabric, usually made of cotton, with vertical ribs. p. 232

Smock: (n) A loose coatlike outer garment, often worn to protect the clothes while working. p. 247

Warped: (v) To turn from a correct or proper course; deflect. p. 248

Beret: (n) A round close-fitting brimless cap of soft wool material or felt. p. 248

Vamped: (v) To put together; fabricate or improvise. p. 252

Light-Headed: (adj.) Giddy; feeling faint or slightly delirious. p. 252

Hypertrophic: (n) A nontumorous enlargement of an organ or a tissue as a result of an increase in the size rather than the number of constituent cells. p. 237

Yammering: (v) To talk volubly and loudly. p. 221

Blanched: (v)  To cause to turn white or become pale. p. 222

Nobody Knows You Well Enough

       In this next portion of the book, I found it very interesting to see how Brent’s attitude changed in a negative way, even when they told him that his recuperation was going very good and that he was even going to go to his House for the weekend. I would expect Brent being worried about seeing the incident site again. But, he only reflects upon this a little bit. When his parents come, the tone of the story immediately changes to indignant, since he could not believe the accusations his parents were saying. Brent thinks: “Jesus, who do these people think I am? Some kind of Satan worshipper? Jesus, leave me alone” (p. 192). For the first time throughout the book, his parents begin to act as the psychologists do. Brent always found himself in a comfortable situation when his parents visited him. But, now, they started questioning him and implying that he was some kind of creature who worshipped Satan. It is understandable that they were concerned since they found the knife and the piece of paper with the word death written on it. In anyway, this was not the best way to approach Brent and get him to speak to them. What this attempt resulted in was in a lack of trust and a moment of extreme disgust on Brent’s behalf. At this moment, he feels that nobody understands him and not even his parents, whom he though were going to support him all the time, try to comprehend that he was living a moment of despair and desperation. It is very interesting to see how no one was able to break into Brent’s head. This means that actually no one knows him well enough in order to try to understand why he did what he did. This is very true. The only person who is able to comprehend everything you do and the reasons why you did it is yourself. Even psychologists cannot go into a person’s head and retrieve that information.

       When Brent arrives at his house and then at his bedroom, the anxiety builds up for the reader. Since Runyon starts being very descriptive with Brent’s feelings and thoughts about arriving at the site where it had all happened. Surprisingly, the story seems to shift and take on a confident tone, exemplified when Brent reflects: “You would think I would be thinking about those things, but I’m not” (p. 197). He is referring to the emotions he had while burning. Certainly Brent began to feel more comfortable in his house than what he had been in the hospital. Even though one receives very good attention at a hospital, the feeling of being there instantly makes you think that you are very sick. Seeing all the injured people around you is not very encouraging since you begin to associate with them and feel like them. Brent has finally returned home and confronted reality. How will Brent react when going back to the institute? When will he be discharged? Now, Brent has another objective in mind: return home.

 

 

Getting Better While Getting Worse

       Brent has now moved to a completely different stage in his recovery. Even though he is getting better every day, he feels less and less comfortable as he is not treated with the same care and kindness as he was used to at the hospital. It is interesting to observe how Brent has a very hard time in the duPont Institute because he is faced with the reality that he is not the only one being taken care of. He demonstrates his rage when he says: “I was in Children’s for like four months and had my own room, and now I have to fucking share a room with another person” (p. 172). I was impressed by how spoiled Brent had become. First, he was saying that he did not like Children’s Hospital because of the food and Dr. Rubinstein. Now he says he does not like the institute either. It might be the desperation he is experiencing that makes him think like this and have trouble enjoying things. Brent has become more stubborn as time goes by and is only willing to accept the best of the best. Under his conditions, one should be grateful to have people taking care of him as they are doing.

       The tone in the book is for the most part regretful, since Brent repeatedly has stated his desire to go back in time and stop himself from lighting the robe on fire. There are two main ways in which his regret is exposed. One is through sorrow when he reflects upon his decision and thinks that it was certainly not the correct one. The second way is when he is angry with himself, which makes him be angry with the people around him. The first one can be seen in Brent’s reflection: “Someone who could jump into your body just when you were about to make the biggest mistake of your life and keep you from doing it. That would be great. That would be amazing. I wish that was true” (p. 149). Even TV shows remind him of the dreadful decision he made and how it will affect him for the rest of his existence.

       Will Brent continue to develop this attitude of frustration towards life? Will he continue to shut himself up? Although Brent does not talk to other people about the incident, he thinks about it all the time. I know it is very difficult to talk to other people about such personal and uncomfortable subjects, but it seems to be the only way for Brent to get help and to learn a better way of dealing with the problem. Rose is definitely not helping in this sense with her useless comments. Brent will have to learn who is best to talk to and reintegrate with the real world, leaving behind the decision that marked his life.

Back to Normal?

       At last Brent is beginning to feel much better as he sees the possibility of leaving the hospital very soon. I imagined this would make him extremely joyful, since after four months of being interned in a hospital room, one would do anything to get out and continue his life as before. The first time Brent began to feel he was able to do activities as usual was when Tina went out with him to Ben & Jerry’s and then to the movies. This was probably the moment up to now that Runyon will remember best and with more pleasure throughout his life. In his farewell party, Brent reflects upon the effect Tina had on his recovery: “And Tina. Tina, you did everything for me. You held my hand and you told me I was going to be all right and made me laugh and took me outside the hospital and made me feel normal” (p. 137). Brent did not feel normal while he was in Burn Care. The feeling that everyone is looking at you and everyone knows what you did makes it incredibly difficult to overcome the mistake. Only Tina took the initiative and was not afraid to take him out and make him feel like a teenager once again.

       I found it very interesting to see Brent’s frustration with the gifts his mother gave the hospital staff who had treated him. He explained: “It’s dumb. It’s so dumb, I can’t believe it. It doesn’t say what I wanted it to say. It doesn’t say, I could never have gotten better without you. It doesn’t say anything” (p. 138). I can relate to the feeling Brent was having, since there are times when there are not enough words or gifts to express your gratitude toward someone special. Additionally, anyone who tries to interpret that feeling and tries to help you gets on your nerves because you think they do not understand, and never will.

       After leaving the hospital, I expected Brent to go back to his normal life and periodically visit the rehab center. But, it shocked me to observe that the first thing Brent sees in the rehab center was the broken glasses on top of the huge stone wall. That is certainly not the image anyone should give a boy who has gone through so many struggles. That is a sign of danger and precaution. Is Brent going to be treated like a maniac? In my opinion, that is not the way to approach the problem and less when it is the day after leaving the hospital and at last being able to see the outside world. Is this the image the parents want Brent to have of them? That they dropped him off in such a horrible place? This will only make things worse and will probably make Brent go back into depression and despair.

 

 

Late Second Thoughts

       Brent will never get used to being in the hospital. Every time he thinks he is progressing and everything will get better, there is always a bad side to the situation. An example is when he explains that “…the good part is I don’t have to have another major surgery. That’s good. The bad part is that I have to lie on my stomach for another four days.” (p. 85) Runyon has resigned to the fact that he will need to live his life under those situations and the best thing he can do at this point is collaborate with the therapists and doctors in order to get a full recovery as soon as possible. He constantly regrets not having stopped before lighting the match and putting it beside the robe, but he knows what is done is done and he has to accept the consequences of his actions. When I do something wrong, I always think about a lot more about it after the situation took place. Although this is very good to learn from your mistakes and not do them the next time, you have to keep on going and strive to be better. If you stay mourning on your errors for too long, you will probably lose confidence and will not get better.

       In this point, it is important to highlight that the book is written from Runyon’s perspective when he was fourteen years old, which allows the narrator to have a much closer relation with the audience. This also adds suspense to the memoir since the future is unexpected and unknown. Also, Runyon allows the reader to connect and sympathize with him by providing insight on his thoughts and feelings. The short sentences used throughout the book emphasize the key points Runyon wants to imply. This variety in the sentence length makes the book active and enhances the understanding of Brent’s thoughts. Most of the book is written in a regretful and hopeless tone. Brent never talks about his wishes of getting out. Although he probably has them, he knows that his stay at the hospital is going to be a long time.

       One of the things that Brent misses the most is going out with his brother and his parents. Although he explicitly says that he does not like to go visit universities with his brother, the fact that he talks about these trips means that he misses them and that they were important to him. In one of his reflections, he says: “I’m glad Craig thought that was funny.” (p. 86) For the first time Brent talks about how he misses his brother and how it would all have been different if he had not ignited that robe. Will Brent be able to enjoy the same activities as he did before the accident when he gets out? Did he really learn his lesson? He says he certainly did, but the only way to really find out is when he goes back to the outside world.

 

 

 

Friendships: A Motor in Life

       Each day, Brent begins to feel better and apparently his recovery is going very well. Although he knows he will be in the hospital for another few months, he feels supported not only by his parents, but by some of his friends that really do care for him. An example is the visit of Alida, one of Brent’s best friends. He thinks: “Wow, so I’m going to have a visitor. That’s weird. At least she didn’t sound scared. She sounded like she used to sound.” (p. 55) Brent thinks that with Stephen’s insensible responses, everyone in the school changed their view about him. But, as Alida keeps being the way she has always been, Brent regains the confidence that there are still people who care for him. This idea encourages him to keep fighting for his goal of full recovery. Sometimes, it is better to learn how to struggle on your own to be able to face the truth of reality, where it is up to you to find your way to success. But, being at such a young age, knowing that your friends still remember you and getting that valuable support gives you the motivation that people are outside waiting for you.

       I found it very interesting to see how the news of Brent’s situation spread so rapidly among the media. He is very surprised when Carol tells him “…she’s coming to tour the hospital and you’re one of the planned stops.” (p. 57) The first lady of Poland was coming to visit Brent. For me, that was certainly an unexpected event. This also shows the gravity of the wounds Brent suffered and how his recovery has been one of the top headlines in the state. This also makes Brent feel good. Knowing that even the most important people in a country come to visit him surely makes one feel useful and important. People not only like Brent, they admire him. It is now not a matter of why he committed suicide, but a matter of how he has fought throughout his recovery and is very close now to be almost as he was before the accident.

       The only one who continues to dig in the suicide attempt from that point of view is Dr. Rubinstein. Brent describes his feelings when he says that “Dr. Rubinstein is here again with her annoying voice. I really don’t like her. I really don’t.” (p. 61) I believe this is the reason why Brent hates her so much. This also happens to me. When I have struggled with a problem and am able to recover, what I like to talk about and explain is my process through the recovery and how I did to achieve my goals, not about the problem itself. The people who keep bringing up the topic make you feel like a dreadful victim and do not value your efforts to regain what you lost. Will Brent be able to fully recover mentally from the issue? Will his life at school change when he gets out? Brent has definitely fought to recover, and is doing very well up to now. But, one thing is the physical recovery inside the hospital, and another very different is the emotional recovery outside, where it is up to his friends to make him feel important and valuable.